How do I start telling my story again? I’m not a professional writer. I only want to help you. Help anyone avoid abuse. A Man, woman, teenager, single, married, widowed, abandoned, confused, lonely, or questioning if their abused. I don’t ever want anyone else to have to endure all I’ve been through.
I begin to cry.
One abused girl sits here. And its me.
Even after all the abuse I’ve endured, I still have a hard time identifying disrespectful behaviors. So Dr. J gave me a list of obvious psychological hurtful actions.
Abuse is such a scary thing. It has a variety of differences. It’s not all slapping or punching. Abuse hurts us in many ways. Most of us would recognize that physical abuse includes rape, kicking, choking, grabbing, slapping, using weapons, hurting children, and punching. But it also includes destroying objects, intimidation, harassment, threats, creating isolation, and hurting pets.
I understand all of us hurt at times. And sometimes I can act in a hurtful way. But given the disrespect I’ve experienced, my mind see’s life through a different light now. Retelling my story makes me feel as if I’m looking through a window. I live in a scary glass house though. I’m in trouble a lot.
Here goes……
I get up off the porch. I can’t tell you how it really was. I can only tell you how I felt this night. I wanted to run away crying. But this time he wouldn’t chase me, because now HE was crying. I look down and see him curled up in a ball. Was this the same guy who just abused me?
See, the Storm promised never to hurt me. And I trusted him. Why? Because he said so. Not because he proved it to me, but ONLY because he told me. So many thoughts and emotions rush through my body. I decide to stay! As I stand there and pray he listens and wraps his arms around me.
I allow him to love on me with physical touch. He begins to kiss me. (I am so confused but feel loved.)
I’ve learned through a lot through my recent therapy with Dr. J. A person’s actions prove who they really are. And people are the way they are because of the conditions around them. Yet I didn’t realize what The Storm had done yet.
Go separate ways? Should I walk away? No, there is a wedding planned. This man is my soulmate. He didn’t mean to hurt me.
I like to believe in people. Even when their actions don’t match their words, I simply hear them…..and give them my trust. They do not have to earn it.
Sounds sick as I sit here and write. I can’t believe the rush of emotions all over my body. At this point I need to take a break from writing and just feel.
After my break I return to my computer. Not knowing exactly where to start….just knowing I need to begin again. I have to realize life is different without The Storm around me everyday. As I Share My Scar with you, you’ll see my story unfold.
It’s different now. Life. I’m going through a messy divorce. I often wonder if it’s my fault. Did I really wait 32 years to get married and marry the wrong man? Did I get all caught up in all my emotions and not see the truth?
One abused girl sits here. And its me.
~Journal Girl
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When someone is in the middle of this type of situation, it's hard to see it for what it is....your writing about it for all to see is bound to help someone. You are shining a light for others to follow...you are strong girlfriend! xo
Judy