As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Ever feel dead inside? I have.
Ever feel so alone yet you are surrounded by loved ones? I do.
Ever wished there was just one person who understood what you’re going through? Well, that’s where I am today.
“Nobody gets it.”

One night around Christmas, I was demanded to stand there and listen to another life lesson from The Storm. Confused at what I had done wrong, he gives me an index card and pen. On this cold night I was told I had to take notes.
Earlier in the day I had asked him to hold my bags while walking in the mall. He couldn’t see one bag though because it had a Christmas gift in it for him. So I reach to take it back. He slaps my hands, knocking all the bags down.
A security guard saw me picking up all the belongings and bags. All this was happening while he was yelling at me and walking away. Still screaming at me…he tells me “You are so embarrassing. When will you ever learn?”
I feel like it was all my fault. I deserved it. And I needed the punishment from him.
The security guard runs over to me as I try not to tear up. I explain it was my fault and there is no need to worry.
Later that day…..I use the index card. I had to list the reasons why I was so embarrassing to him.

I came upon this index card last week. I wanted to vomit. In the pit of my stomach I felt the feeling of that one winter day. I begin to read it and wonder how I ever believed any lie he ever told me. How could I be so foolish?

After cutting The Storm off, I realize life without him is better. I am surrounding myself with people who truly love me and enjoy my company.
Did you know the average wife stays for 16 years before she leaves her abusive spouse? My one year wedding anniversary is next month. I am thankful to say I will be celebrating it alone. The kind of alone that nobody understands. But I do. I get it. And this November I won’t be around broken promises. I’ll be surrounded by my own shadow. I will take my own notes, the notes in my journal. Then I’ll share them with you.

Often I think the hardest part is to HOPE. Inside my head I know I am alright being around me. I’m the only one who can’t leave me. And because Jesus says He’ll never leave us, I can walk through the valley, with my very own shadow, feel like death, but still find love in him. Yes, I can have a scar. I want to share it with the world. Because he is the life that wasn’t taken from me. And I can count on him to bandage up all my wounds.

– Journal Girl